Escape

Perhaps it has to do with the new year. Or my birthday next week. Or my 10 year high school reunion. Or my wedding in September. Whatever the reason, I'm feeling that urge to run. Escape. Not Deal. I don't know what it is, but I've just been sad lately. Maybe I spend too much time alone. Just feel like a damned hamster in those dumb little wheels. Spinning, spinning, spinning and going no where. I feel so tied down. Through my dark times, what I have now is all I ever wanted. A home, getting married, one day starting a family. But as I'm getting these things, the more I feel like I'm missing out on. Is this life just what I'm "supposed" to be doing? Who signed up for this? And where does it go? What's the end game here? I read so much, it's always been my way of getting out of my every day life. Probably why I love fantasy and such, extraordinary people and circumstances. Same with movies and TV, following characters who are DOING things. There aren't shows or books or films about people who work all day and come home and make dinner then watch TV. Growing up, I wanted to visit Australia. I had a pen pal there once. I dreamed of visiting her and just staying, immersing in the culture. Or what about Italy, trying to learn a new language but being surrounded by amazing things like the Coliseum. Maybe I'm watching too much Doctor Who, but I want to go places. Do things. See things. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to wake up and it'll be too late. Damn you mortgage, car payment and credit card debt. Damn you! My lack of finding a job and school starting soon probably aren't helping my mood/fears either. I guess I'm just feeling bad for myself, Wahhh poor Renee. Jeez I sound like a whiny baby. I'm really over this whole thing. It's kind of nice having a place to put all this out there though. Makes me feel like I'm really saying it, not just thinking it and letting it stew inside my head. And now I have Brain Stew by Green Day stuck in my head. Not very helpful. Back to the grind.